Helping can quietly become control.
Sometimes our desire to help isn’t entirely about the other person. When we see someone struggling, frustrated, disappointed, or uncomfortable, and then we immediately want to fix it, something deeper may be going on.
I have noticed a trend: often their discomfort is making us uncomfortable.
And this discomfort pushes the dominoes:
- We offer advice.
- We solve the problem.
- We reassure them.
- We try to change their perspective.
All these look like helping, but they are really about making our tension disappear.
Good leadership requires the ability to stay present with someone without immediately rescuing them. We have to manage ourselves so we can be present with them.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is listen, stay curious, and allow another person to wrestle with something we cannot fix for them.
Regularly before offering to help, I ask myself: Who am I really helping here?